How to Shine Socially Without Losing Your True Self
Expressing what we like—and what bothers us—should be normal. Yet, in society, we often hold back. We’re taught from a young age not to say things that might hurt others, even if we mean well. This is for everyone’s benefit, because we live together and need to get along. I’m the first to stand up for kindness: there’s no point in criticizing others before looking at ourselves. Speaking harshly about someone, especially if you barely know them, rarely helps. Unless your words are truly meant to help, and even then, how you say things matters a lot.
Choosing the right words is crucial. Sometimes, we’re too blunt. For example, as a software engineer, I spend hours updating open-source documentation. Occasionally, users ask questions that are already answered in the docs. I could reply, “The documentation is right there—can’t you read?” But that’s not helpful. It puts me in a bad light and doesn’t help the other person. Maybe they didn’t see the link, or maybe they’re just overwhelmed. We never know someone’s full story or what they’re going through. It’s easy to judge, but hard to know all the circumstances.
That’s why it’s better to react gently and diplomatically. We tend to see things in black and white—good or bad. But instead, we could say, “Great job on getting this far! Next time, here’s where you can find the answer.” This is where the “critique sandwich” comes in: start with a compliment, then share what could be improved, and finish with another positive point. For example, if someone is always late to meetings, you might say, “I really appreciate your ideas in our meetings. Next time, could you try to arrive on time? I always look forward to your input.” This approach is more about gratitude than criticism. It makes you feel better, too.
No one likes to get angry. Anger brings negative energy, and it’s hard to bounce back from that. But if you focus on the positive, you’ll find it easier to reach your goals. Positivity is powerful. I’ve read in several books that, in some airlines, flight attendants are trained never to say “no” directly to passengers. Instead, they find ways to redirect requests, so the answer is clear without using the word “no.” It’s not about avoiding negativity at all costs, but about communicating in a way that’s easier for others to accept.
Try this challenge: go a whole day without saying “no.” It’s harder than it sounds. From childhood, “no” is often our first word. But just because you don’t say “no” doesn’t mean you’re always agreeing. You can still set boundaries, just in a softer way. The words you choose matter. What’s obvious to you might not be clear to someone else. We all see things differently, and culture plays a big role. Living in Australia, I’ve noticed people speak much more positively than in France. If I use my usual French directness, people think I’m angry! I love the positive approach here, but you can’t force your beliefs on others. You can only choose who you spend time with.
Surround yourself with people who match your values. If you’re always frustrated with your environment, maybe it’s time to change it. I like to compare this to a tree: if a tree is surrounded by concrete, its roots can’t grow, and it won’t thrive. But if it’s in rich soil, among other trees, it grows strong. Trees even communicate through their roots, sharing energy. If you cut down the trees around one, it’s more likely to wither. We’re the same. If our environment doesn’t fit us, we fade. So, get to know yourself and take action. Travel, create a space at home that feels right, keep things tidy if that helps you feel good.
Another idea that helps me is setting intentions—self-affirmations. Tell yourself, “I will become a legend in my field,” or “Today will be an amazing day.” These positive statements lift you up. Even if you haven’t achieved something yet, add “not yet” to your self-talk: “I don’t speak Japanese yet,” or “I don’t play piano yet.” This sends a message to yourself that it’s possible. It takes time and discipline, but believing in yourself is the first step.
If you really want something, you’ll always find a way to make it happen.
—Anonymous
You are responsible for your own growth. If you blame others, you’ll never see how you could have done better.
—Anonymous
We all start from different places, just like in a race. Some people have a head start, others begin further back. But that’s not an excuse. You’re responsible for your own progress. If you always blame others, you’ll never improve. Instead, ask yourself, “How could I do better next time?” That’s the key to real change.
And finally, remember: the best time to act is now. Don’t put off what you want to do. If you want something badly enough, you’ll find a way. Discipline, routine, and positive self-talk will get you there.
Key Takeaways
- Express yourself honestly, but kindly—how you say things matters as much as what you say.
- Use the “critique sandwich”: compliment, suggestion, compliment.
- Avoid negativity; focus on positive communication.
- Surround yourself with people and environments that help you grow.
- Set intentions and use positive self-talk—add “yet” to your goals.
- Take responsibility for your actions and progress.
- The best time to start is now.
Action Steps
- Try a day without saying “no”—find softer ways to set boundaries.
- Practice the critique sandwich in your next conversation.
- Reflect on your environment: does it help you thrive?
- Write down one positive affirmation to repeat daily.
Reflection
- How do I react when someone asks a “simple” question?
- Am I surrounding myself with people who help me grow?
- What’s one thing I want to achieve—and how can I start today?
Pierre-Henry Soria
#Authenticity #Communication #Productivity #Relationships #Self-Improvement #Self-Transcendence #Social Skills #Tech